No matter what situation's life throws at you,No matter how long and treacherous your journey may seem,
Remember, there's always light at the end of the tunnel...
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
There really is LIGHT at the end of the tunnel....
No matter what situation's life throws at you,No matter how long and treacherous your journey may seem,
Remember, there's always light at the end of the tunnel...
A Kids Take on Politics
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I
understand the concept of politics now.'
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I
understand the concept of politics now.'
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.
The most Purrfect Pair.....
A Scotsman walking down the street sees a woman with perfect pair of breasts that he had ever seen in his entire life. He stopped abruptly and said to her, “Hey Miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?” “Are you nuts?!!!” she replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. “'Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?” he asked again. “Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?”
So the Scotsman runs around the next block and faces her again; “Okay, last chance. Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?”
She thinks about it for a while and says, “Hmmm, $10,000 dollars; Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there.”
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse and bra to reveal what he believes are the most perfect pair of breasts in the world. As soon as they are released from their holster he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them. But not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"
"Nah", says the Scotsman... "Costs too much....."
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. “'Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?” he asked again. “Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?”
So the Scotsman runs around the next block and faces her again; “Okay, last chance. Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?”
She thinks about it for a while and says, “Hmmm, $10,000 dollars; Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there.”
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse and bra to reveal what he believes are the most perfect pair of breasts in the world. As soon as they are released from their holster he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them. But not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"
"Nah", says the Scotsman... "Costs too much....."
Monday, January 28, 2008
The Celebration
A man was in a bar savoring a martini when an attractive woman sat down beside him. The bartender served her a glass of juice and the man turned to her and said, "Today is a very special day and I'm celebrating."
"I happen to be celebrating today too," she replied, as they clinked glasses.
"What are you celebrating?" he asked.
"I've been trying to have a child for years," she said, "and today my gynecologist told me that I am finally pregnant!"
"Congratulations," the man said. "It so happens that I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile. But today they are finally fertile."
"That's wonderful news," said the woman. "How did it happen?"
"I switched cocks," he said.
"What a coincidence!" she replied, grinning.
"I happen to be celebrating today too," she replied, as they clinked glasses.
"What are you celebrating?" he asked.
"I've been trying to have a child for years," she said, "and today my gynecologist told me that I am finally pregnant!"
"Congratulations," the man said. "It so happens that I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile. But today they are finally fertile."
"That's wonderful news," said the woman. "How did it happen?"
"I switched cocks," he said.
"What a coincidence!" she replied, grinning.
Whatcha Doin' Dad?
One day, Little Johnny walked into his parents bedroom, only to catch mum just getting out of the shower and his father sitting on the edge of their bed slipping a condom on.
"Whatcha doin', dad?" asked Little Johnny.
In a desperate attempt to hide his condom-covered erection, his father quickly bent over as if to look under the bed.
"Ummmmmm ..... I thought I saw a mouse run underneath the bed," his father quickly replied.
Little Johnny looked at this father grinning slyly, "Really dad? Whatcha gonna do, f*ck it?"
"Whatcha doin', dad?" asked Little Johnny.
In a desperate attempt to hide his condom-covered erection, his father quickly bent over as if to look under the bed.
"Ummmmmm ..... I thought I saw a mouse run underneath the bed," his father quickly replied.
Little Johnny looked at this father grinning slyly, "Really dad? Whatcha gonna do, f*ck it?"
Motherly Advice
On the night before her wedding, the bride-to-be asked her mother for some advice.
"Mom, I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy," she said.
Taking a deep breath, the mother began to explain, "Well, dear, when two people love, honor and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing ... "
"Mother, I know how to screw," the bride-to-be interrupted. "What I want to know is, how do I make your lasagna?!?"
"Mom, I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy," she said.
Taking a deep breath, the mother began to explain, "Well, dear, when two people love, honor and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing ... "
"Mother, I know how to screw," the bride-to-be interrupted. "What I want to know is, how do I make your lasagna?!?"
The Record Shop
A man enters a music store to purchase an old-school vinyl record. As he gets ready to check out, he realizes that he doesn't have his wallet. Instead of running back home to get it, he decides to steal the record by sticking it down his pants.
The cashier spots him on the way out and shouts, "Hey! Is that a record in your pants?"
The man replies, "Well, I don't know if it's a record, but I sure haven't heard any complaints."
The cashier spots him on the way out and shouts, "Hey! Is that a record in your pants?"
The man replies, "Well, I don't know if it's a record, but I sure haven't heard any complaints."
Friday, January 25, 2008
Idle Thoughts of a Wandering Mind
~~~ I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
~~~ I had amnesia once -- or twice.
~~~ I went to San Francisco . I found someone's heart. Now what?
~~~ Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
~~~ All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
~~~ If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.
~~~ What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
~~~ They told me I was gullible and I believed them.
~~~ Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
~~~ Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
~~~ One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
~~~ My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
~~~ I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
~~~ The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
~~~ How can there be self-help "groups"?
~~~ If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
~~~ Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
~~~ Is it me -- or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
________________________________________
"Blessed is the man who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed."
Alexander Pope
========================================
~~~ I had amnesia once -- or twice.
~~~ I went to San Francisco . I found someone's heart. Now what?
~~~ Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
~~~ All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
~~~ If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.
~~~ What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
~~~ They told me I was gullible and I believed them.
~~~ Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
~~~ Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
~~~ One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
~~~ My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
~~~ I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
~~~ The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
~~~ How can there be self-help "groups"?
~~~ If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
~~~ Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
~~~ Is it me -- or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
________________________________________
"Blessed is the man who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed."
Alexander Pope
========================================
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Australia Day ..... Why it's the 26th of January.
We will never forget our heritage .......
On May 13, 1787, British Captain Arthur Phillip set sail from Portsmouth, England, to establish a convict colony in Australia.
He sailed with 11 ships, 759 convicts -- 191 of whom were female -- 13 children of convicts, 211 marines, 46 wives and children of marines, and his staff of nine.
Phillip landed at Botany Bay on the eastern coast of Australia on January 18, 1788, travelled some kilometres north to find a more suitable place for settlement and came ashore at Sydney Cove on January 26 in what is now the historic Rocks area at the southern end of today's Sydney Harbour Bridge.
The Bus Stop
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'
The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd both be riding the bus, so shut the f**k up.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'
The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd both be riding the bus, so shut the f**k up.
********************************
Food For Thought
You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
Or get married and wish you were dead.
__________
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
You can stay single and be miserable,
Or get married and wish you were dead.
__________
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'
__________
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'
__________
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
'You can have mine.'
__________
When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
__________
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished ..
__________
A little boy asked his father,
'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'
__________
A young son asked,
'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't
__________
When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
__________
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished ..
__________
A little boy asked his father,
'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'
__________
A young son asked,
'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't
know his wife until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'
__________
Then there was a woman who said,
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'
__________
Then there was a woman who said,
'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late.'
__________
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
__________
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
__________
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go
and by then, it was too late.'
__________
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
__________
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
__________
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go
through life thinking they had no faults at all.
__________
First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
__________
First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
__________
'A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for:
__________
'A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for:
Wisdom, To understand a man,
to Love and to forgive him ,
and for patience for his moods.
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength
I'm sure that I'll beat him to death.'
__________
__________
Friday, January 18, 2008
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Good Samaritan
Dear Reverend Theo,
I walked down the busy footpath, knowing I was late for an important meeting. My eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabonds that are found in every city these days.
Wearing what can only be describes as rags, carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this person's condition. Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them.
Recalling some long ago Sunday School admonition to "care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked," I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.
Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a hidden beauty. A small voice inside my head called out, "Reach out, reach out!"
I walked down the busy footpath, knowing I was late for an important meeting. My eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabonds that are found in every city these days.
Wearing what can only be describes as rags, carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this person's condition. Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them.
Recalling some long ago Sunday School admonition to "care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked," I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.
Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a hidden beauty. A small voice inside my head called out, "Reach out, reach out!"
So I did !!!
I am sorry to say that as a result I won't be able to attend church this Sunday!
God Bless.
The Nursing Home
An elderly Arab gentleman had reached the stage where he could no longer care for himself, the family tried with out success to get him into an Arab nursing home, the only vacancy they could find was in a Jewish facility so they had no option but to admit him. After much worry and concern they decided to visit him. "How are they treating you here?" they asked.
"Great" the old chap replied. "See that old fellow over there,he must be 95 he was a judge and hasn't tried a case for 20 years and they still call him Your Honour, and that other old chap he's 92 he was a doctor and hasn't treated any one for 30 years and they still call him Doctor."
"But what has that got to do with the way they treat you?"
"Well they know that I haven't had sex for 25 years and they still call me That F***ing Arab"
"Great" the old chap replied. "See that old fellow over there,he must be 95 he was a judge and hasn't tried a case for 20 years and they still call him Your Honour, and that other old chap he's 92 he was a doctor and hasn't treated any one for 30 years and they still call him Doctor."
"But what has that got to do with the way they treat you?"
"Well they know that I haven't had sex for 25 years and they still call me That F***ing Arab"
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Did you know ??
'Stewardesses' is the longest word typed with only the left hand .
And 'Lollipop' is the longest word typed with your right hand. (Bet you tried this out mentally, didn't you?)
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
'Dreamt' is the only English word that ends in the letters 'mt'.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
The sentence: 'The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog' uses every letter of the alphabet.
Words like 'racecar,''kayak'and'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).
There are only four words in the English language which end in 'dous': tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: 'abstemious' and 'facetious.' (Yes, admit it, you are now saying .... a e i o u !!)
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. (Some Politicians have the same problem with promises they make.)
A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A snail can sleep for three years. (I know some people that could do this too.!)
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that also)
Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
The cruise liner, QE 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. (Good thing he did that.)
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
And 'Lollipop' is the longest word typed with your right hand. (Bet you tried this out mentally, didn't you?)
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
'Dreamt' is the only English word that ends in the letters 'mt'.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
The sentence: 'The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog' uses every letter of the alphabet.
Words like 'racecar,''kayak'and'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).
There are only four words in the English language which end in 'dous': tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: 'abstemious' and 'facetious.' (Yes, admit it, you are now saying .... a e i o u !!)
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. (Some Politicians have the same problem with promises they make.)
A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A snail can sleep for three years. (I know some people that could do this too.!)
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that also)
Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
The cruise liner, QE 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. (Good thing he did that.)
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Now you know more than you did before, so be happy because it is important to learn something every day.
A day really is wasted if you learn NOTHING!!
The Rain-Thomas Kinkade
This is a Thomas Kinkade painting It's rumored to carry a miracle!
They say if you pass this on, you will receive a miracle.
I am passing this on because I thought it looks fantastic, and besides, who amongst us couldn't use a miracle?!
They say if you pass this on, you will receive a miracle.
I am passing this on because I thought it looks fantastic, and besides, who amongst us couldn't use a miracle?!
Defining Moments
What's the definition of an accountant?
Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
What's the definition of a good tax accountant?
Someone who has a loophole named after him.
Someone who has a loophole named after him.
What's an auditor?
Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
What's the definition of a Consultant?
Someone who looks at your watch and then tells you the time.
Have a Great Day
A friendly hand as well as a wink, that's what it is all about. Enjoy your day fellow bloggers and keep smiling.
Comprehending Accountants
A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of Divisional Manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two"?
The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "twenty-two."
The second applicant was an engineer.. He pulled out a calculator and showed the answer to be between 3.999999 and 4.000001.
The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v. Commr of Stamp Duties (Qld), two and two was proven to be four.
The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, "How much is two and two?" The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it then came back and sat down, leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
He's the one that got the job.
The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "twenty-two."
The second applicant was an engineer.. He pulled out a calculator and showed the answer to be between 3.999999 and 4.000001.
The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v. Commr of Stamp Duties (Qld), two and two was proven to be four.
The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, "How much is two and two?" The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it then came back and sat down, leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
He's the one that got the job.
Counseling - Southern Style
Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "I think I'm gonna divorce my wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."
Earl spits, sips his beer and says, "Better think it over, women like that are hard to find."
Monday, January 14, 2008
Morning Sex
Sylvia was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast when John walked in and she turned and said, "John, you've got to make love to me this very moment." His eyes lit up and though to himself ...this must be my lucky day....!!
Not wanting to lose the moment, John embraced her and then gave it his all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled John asked, "Sylvia, what was that all about?"
She turned to him and explained, "The egg timer's broken."
Not wanting to lose the moment, John embraced her and then gave it his all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled John asked, "Sylvia, what was that all about?"
She turned to him and explained, "The egg timer's broken."
Estate Planning
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are SO much better at estate planning than men.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are SO much better at estate planning than men.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Check out your REFLEXES
See how good your reflexes are, just copy and paste the following address......
http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/sleep/sheep/
Try it out BEFORE and then AFTER lunch !!!!
http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/sleep/sheep/
Try it out BEFORE and then AFTER lunch !!!!
Tequila and Salt.
You may not realise it, but it's 100% true.
1. There are at least two people in this world that you would die for.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to someone.
7. You are special and unique.
8. Someone that you don't even know exists, loves you.
9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
10. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look.
11. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.
So.....If you are a good friend, tell everyone about this and get them to come and read it for themsleves.
When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt.
1. There are at least two people in this world that you would die for.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to someone.
7. You are special and unique.
8. Someone that you don't even know exists, loves you.
9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
10. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look.
11. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.
So.....If you are a good friend, tell everyone about this and get them to come and read it for themsleves.
When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt.
The Police will come to your home if ......
George Phillips & his wife Joy have lived in Strathfield for many years, they enjoyed their life there, a large home on a similarly large block of land.
One night they were heading off to bed around 10.45pm when Joy said that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the upstairs bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go out and turn off the light but could see that there were people in his garden shed, they were obviously stealing things.
He quietly closed the door and phoned the police. The operator asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said "No". The operator then said that all Police were out on other jobs and that he should lock himself securely in his house and that as soon as a car became available they would attend his home to check it out.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my garden shed." His call was acknowledged so George continued, "Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them." Then he hung up.
Within a matter of minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, the Dog Squad and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' Strathfield residence where they caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen went over to George and said: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George replied, "And I thought you said there was nobody available!"
Don't mess with old people, they may walk slowly but they can still think on their feet!!
Friday, January 11, 2008
George Carlin's Views on Aging
Do you realise that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about ageing that you think in fractions.
"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life. . You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30 ; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay "them."
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.
10.Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,but by the moments that take our breath away.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Little Johnny
One afternoon the teacher comes back from lunch and is very tired and emotional. As such she says to the boys and girls in the class that if they can stand up, say what their father does for a living and spell it, they can go home !!
Fist up is Wendy. "My daddy is a Baker, B A K E R." Very good Wendy, home you go.
Next up is Simon who chirps up "My dad is a butcher, B U T C H E R. That was great Simon, home you go too.
Next up was Theo who said "My daddy is a shirtmaker, S H I T M .." The teacher interrupted Theo telling him that he had left out a letter and to start again. S H I T M A .... No, she said again, you have left a letter out. Try again. By this time Theo was getting very annoyed and so yelled out S H I T M ... at which point the teacher said to him "Listen Theo, you've still left out a letter, so go behind that blackboard over there and write it down, then you will clearly see what you have done wrong. Off Theo went to the back of the classroom blackboard.
Little Johnny stood up and after being acknowledged by the teacher said "My daddy is a Bookmaker, I don't know how to spell it but I'll give you 10 to 1 he's writing SHITMAKER on the back of that blackboard !!
Fist up is Wendy. "My daddy is a Baker, B A K E R." Very good Wendy, home you go.
Next up is Simon who chirps up "My dad is a butcher, B U T C H E R. That was great Simon, home you go too.
Next up was Theo who said "My daddy is a shirtmaker, S H I T M .." The teacher interrupted Theo telling him that he had left out a letter and to start again. S H I T M A .... No, she said again, you have left a letter out. Try again. By this time Theo was getting very annoyed and so yelled out S H I T M ... at which point the teacher said to him "Listen Theo, you've still left out a letter, so go behind that blackboard over there and write it down, then you will clearly see what you have done wrong. Off Theo went to the back of the classroom blackboard.
Little Johnny stood up and after being acknowledged by the teacher said "My daddy is a Bookmaker, I don't know how to spell it but I'll give you 10 to 1 he's writing SHITMAKER on the back of that blackboard !!
A Pay Rise
The local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation.. No one wants him to leave.
Mike Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the Sutherland Shire, stands up and proclaims: "If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Holden every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, if the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!"
More sighs and loud applause.
Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, if the Vicar stays, I will give him sex."
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"
Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies: "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Screw the Vicar'.
Mike Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the Sutherland Shire, stands up and proclaims: "If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Holden every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, if the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!"
More sighs and loud applause.
Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, if the Vicar stays, I will give him sex."
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"
Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies: "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Screw the Vicar'.
A Very Tired Dog
An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.
He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks.
Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with ten children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"
He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks.
Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with ten children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"
A Labour of Love
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of
impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite
biscuits wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength,
and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and
with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he
crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the
door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself
already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the
kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite biscuits,
freshly baked. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his
devoted Aussie wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this
world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the
table, landing on his knees in crumpled posture. His aged and
withered hand trembled towards a biscuit at the edge of the table,
when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula.............
"Piss off" she said, "they're for the funeral."
impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite
biscuits wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength,
and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and
with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he
crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the
door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself
already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the
kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite biscuits,
freshly baked. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his
devoted Aussie wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this
world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the
table, landing on his knees in crumpled posture. His aged and
withered hand trembled towards a biscuit at the edge of the table,
when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula.............
"Piss off" she said, "they're for the funeral."
Monday, January 7, 2008
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
Sixty Seconds with Bob Hope
May 29, 1903 - July 27, 2003
ON TURNING 70 "You still chase women, but only downhill".
ON TURNING 80 "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."
ON TURNING 90 "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
ON TURNING 100 " I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING "I ruined my hands in the ring ... the referee kept stepping on them."
ON SAILORS "They spend the first six days of each week sowing their wild oats, then they go to church on Sunday and pray for crop failure."
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR "Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'."
ON GOLF "Golf is my profession Show business is just to pay the green fees."
ON PRESIDENTS " I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six."
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER " When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham'."
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES " I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."
ON GOING TO HEAVEN "I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
Social Security Sex
Two men were talking.
"So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
