Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?
Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Why do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage.
EVER WONDER ...Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery Again'?
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavouring, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words, send it to everyone.
We all need to smile every once in a while.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Monday, July 12, 2010
~~~ RETIREMENT ~~~ An Inspirational Message
As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world.
It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.
JOHN CRAIG is such a person.
HE IS TRULY INSPIRING!
I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired'?
Well……I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning red & white wine, Scotch as well as James Boag's Pure Beer, to name just one, into urine.
It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.
JOHN CRAIG is such a person.
HE IS TRULY INSPIRING!
I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired'?
Well……I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning red & white wine, Scotch as well as James Boag's Pure Beer, to name just one, into urine.
Howdy Partner -- No Charge For Love
A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell. He painted a sign advertising the 4 pups and set about nailing it to a post on the edge of his yard. As he was driving the last nail into the post, he felt a tug on his overalls. He looked down into the eyes of little boy.
"Mister," he said, "I want to buy one of your puppies."
"Well," said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat off the back of his neck, "These puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money."
The boy dropped his head for a moment. Then reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer. "I've got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take a look?"
"Sure," said the farmer. And with that he let out a whistle. "Here, Dolly!" he called.
Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by four little balls of fur.
The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His eyes danced with delight. As the dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse.
Slowly another little ball appeared this one noticeably smaller. Down the ramp it slid. Then in a somewhat awkward manner, the little pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up...
"I want that one," the little boy said, pointing to the runt.
The farmer knelt down at the boy's side and said, "Son, you don't want that puppy. He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would."
With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his trousers. In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself to a specially made shoe.
Looking back up at the farmer, he said, "You see sir, I don't run too well myself, and he will need someone who understands."
With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and picked up the pup.
Holding it carefully he handed it to the little boy.
"How much?" asked the little boy.
"No charge," answered the farmer, "There's no charge for love."
The world is full of people who need someone who understands.
It's National Friendship Week, so go ahead and show your friends how much you care.
"Mister," he said, "I want to buy one of your puppies."
"Well," said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat off the back of his neck, "These puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money."
The boy dropped his head for a moment. Then reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer. "I've got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take a look?"
"Sure," said the farmer. And with that he let out a whistle. "Here, Dolly!" he called.
Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by four little balls of fur.
The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His eyes danced with delight. As the dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse.
Slowly another little ball appeared this one noticeably smaller. Down the ramp it slid. Then in a somewhat awkward manner, the little pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up...
"I want that one," the little boy said, pointing to the runt.
The farmer knelt down at the boy's side and said, "Son, you don't want that puppy. He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would."
With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his trousers. In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself to a specially made shoe.
Looking back up at the farmer, he said, "You see sir, I don't run too well myself, and he will need someone who understands."
With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and picked up the pup.
Holding it carefully he handed it to the little boy.
"How much?" asked the little boy.
"No charge," answered the farmer, "There's no charge for love."
The world is full of people who need someone who understands.
It's National Friendship Week, so go ahead and show your friends how much you care.
~~~~ Children Have Little Expectations ~~~~
Explained By ChildrenI only know the names of two angels, Hark and Harold.
Gregory, age 5
Gregory, age 5
Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it
-Olive, age 9
It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to Heaven, and then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes.
-Matthew, age 9
-Matthew, age 9
Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else.
-Mitchell, age 7
My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science.
-Henry, age 8
-Henry, age 8
Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows!!!
-Jack, age 6
Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead.
Daniel, age 9
When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath again, somewhere there's a tornado.
-Reagan, age 10
Daniel, age 9
When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath again, somewhere there's a tornado.
-Reagan, age 10
Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go south for the winter.
-Sara, age 6
Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter.
-Jared, age 8
-Jared, age 8
All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go for it.
-Antonio, age 9
My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth.
-Ashley age 9
Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the child get over it.
-Vicki, age 8
What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them.
- Lionel, age 9
Walking Eagle --- It's an Indian Story
On one of his many trips overseas but this one also incorporated the U.S.A., the Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nations due to his experiences in handling the Indigenous situation in Australia.
Well Kevin spoke for almost an hour on his ideas for increasing every First Nation’s present standard of living.
At the conclusion of his speech, the tribes presented the Prime Minister with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle.
The proud Rudd then departed with his entourage, waving to the crowd as he left.
A news reporter later asked the chiefs how they came to select the new name given to Rudd.
They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit, it can no longer fly.
Well Kevin spoke for almost an hour on his ideas for increasing every First Nation’s present standard of living.
At the conclusion of his speech, the tribes presented the Prime Minister with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle.
The proud Rudd then departed with his entourage, waving to the crowd as he left.
A news reporter later asked the chiefs how they came to select the new name given to Rudd.
They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit, it can no longer fly.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Could be the Jokes of 2010 -- so far !!
John Howard, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.
The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, soPutin writes him a cheque.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a cheque.
Finally John Howard gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.
When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Howard got to call Australia so cheaply.
The devil smiles and replies: "Since Rudd & Gillard took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's only a local call.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.
The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, soPutin writes him a cheque.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a cheque.
Finally John Howard gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.
When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Howard got to call Australia so cheaply.
The devil smiles and replies: "Since Rudd & Gillard took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's only a local call.
Goodbye Mum
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him..
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son.
"He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mum' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy.
"She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mum.
"The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries. "That comes to $121.85," said the cashier.
"How come so much? I only bought 5 items.
"The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."
Bet you thought this was going to be a tear jerker. Don't trust Little Old Ladies!!
Yes, I laughed too, but the moral of the story is be careful of what you agree to with people you don't know!!!
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son.
"He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mum' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy.
"She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mum.
"The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries. "That comes to $121.85," said the cashier.
"How come so much? I only bought 5 items.
"The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."
Bet you thought this was going to be a tear jerker. Don't trust Little Old Ladies!!
Yes, I laughed too, but the moral of the story is be careful of what you agree to with people you don't know!!!
The Irish Bus Thieves
Two Irish friends leave the pub. One says to other, 'I can't be bothered to walk all the way home.'
I know, me too but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home.'
'We could steal a bus from the depot.' replies his mate.
They arrive at the bus depot and one goes in to get a bus while the other keeps a look-out.
After shuffling around for ages, the lookout shouts, 'What are you doing?Have you not found one yet?'
'I can't find a No. 91'
'Oh Jaysus Christ, ye tick sod, take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the Roundabout.
I know, me too but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home.'
'We could steal a bus from the depot.' replies his mate.
They arrive at the bus depot and one goes in to get a bus while the other keeps a look-out.
After shuffling around for ages, the lookout shouts, 'What are you doing?Have you not found one yet?'
'I can't find a No. 91'
'Oh Jaysus Christ, ye tick sod, take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the Roundabout.
The Two Dwarfs
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two 'working girls' and take them to their separate hotel rooms.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting cries of..'Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE UGH...Here I come again! ONE,TWO, THREE, UGH!
'This went on all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, 'How did it go?'
The first mutters, 'It was embarrassing. I couldn't get an erection.'
The second dwarf shook his head. ''You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed.'
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting cries of..'Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE UGH...Here I come again! ONE,TWO, THREE, UGH!
'This went on all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, 'How did it go?'
The first mutters, 'It was embarrassing. I couldn't get an erection.'
The second dwarf shook his head. ''You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed.'
Little Johnny Is Back Selling Toothbrushes !!
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.. Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath ...
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!" Then I would say,"It is dog shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
"I used our Federal Governmens approach of giving you something shitty for free,and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth."
Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.. Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath ...
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!" Then I would say,"It is dog shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
"I used our Federal Governmens approach of giving you something shitty for free,and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth."
Innocence Is Priceless
One Sunday morning, the Minister of a church noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque.
It was covered with names and small Australian flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the Minister walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Alex.' 'Good morning Minister,' he replied, still focused on the plaque.
'Minister, what is this? '
The Minister said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.' Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear
asked, 'Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:30?'
It was covered with names and small Australian flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the Minister walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Alex.' 'Good morning Minister,' he replied, still focused on the plaque.
'Minister, what is this? '
The Minister said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.' Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear
asked, 'Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:30?'
The Mars Bar
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quick bout of love making' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the Street activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: 'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.
'An ambulance just drove by!'
'Looks like the Anderson's have company,' he called out.
'Matt's riding a new bike!'
'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'
'Jason is on his skate board!'
After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having a root!!'
Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!
Dad cautiously called out,'How do you know that?'
'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar'.!!
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: 'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.
'An ambulance just drove by!'
'Looks like the Anderson's have company,' he called out.
'Matt's riding a new bike!'
'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'
'Jason is on his skate board!'
After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having a root!!'
Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!
Dad cautiously called out,'How do you know that?'
'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar'.!!
~~ Little Johnny & His Breakfast ~~
A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast. To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.
Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, 'E-G-G'.
'Very good', says the teacher.
Peter says he had toast 'T-O-A-S-T'.
'Excellent.'
Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.
'I had fuck all', he says, 'F-U-C-K A-L-L'.
The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.
Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks students some rudimentary questions.
Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada 's east coast.
When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question. Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?'
Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother. That's why I got fuck all for breakfast'.
Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, 'E-G-G'.
'Very good', says the teacher.
Peter says he had toast 'T-O-A-S-T'.
'Excellent.'
Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.
'I had fuck all', he says, 'F-U-C-K A-L-L'.
The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.
Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks students some rudimentary questions.
Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada 's east coast.
When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question. Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?'
Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother. That's why I got fuck all for breakfast'.
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