Little Johnny Strikes Again....

Primary School teacher in Concord asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating".
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight." The teacher sat down and just started to cry.

* * * * * * * * * *

Immitation may be the highest form of flattery.....

A very inspiring little doggy.......

But some just do it out of necessity.....

What a great dog, learnt to overcome his diability & as the old saying goes no matter how much you may be hurting there will be someone worse off than yourself !!!!

Indian School Bus

I'd hate to get detention !!!

Do You Know Who I Am ???? I'm Belina F***ing Neal

For years I brown-nosed bastards from the Centre to the Right,
I fiddled with the numbers and I suck-holed day and night.
And when they wouldn't have me, waited for the next election,
And then I bitched so loudly I was given pre-selection.

And now I make the bastards pay,
So if you need a deal
Remember who you're talking to,
Belinda f---ing Neal.

If my soccer boot has hit some bitch and got her in the arse,
Well what the f---k could she expect just lying in the grass?
And then the bloody referee holds up a card of red
And gives me marching orders! Well, she wished that she was dead.

I shoved my nose into her face,
You should have heard her squeal!
Do you know who you are dealing with?
Belinda f---ing Neal.

I married Della Bosca though I felt a bit above him
And I beat him up occasionally to show him that I love him.
All in all it's worked out well, he's like a railway buffer
And if I get a bit too loud, it's Iemma who's has to suffer.

But the MC at the wedding breakfast
Made a blue for real –
She called me Mrs. Della B, when I'm
Belinda f---ing Neal.

Now, that dinner by the waterside at Gosford (which I hate!)
The one they're now referring to as my Iguanagate.
I didn't swear (I never do!), I swear by all that's proper,
I never said I'd close them down or lean on a local copper.

I only said, so nice and quiet
You could hear the church bells peal,
Do you know who you're dealing with?
Belinda f---ing Neal!

But now it's all been squared away, the matter put to rest,
Della's apologised to himself, the thing he does the best.
"We're sorry, sir and madam, for the hell we've put you through,
And if you come to visit, there's a free meal here for you".

His one mistake was stamping it
With his "Della Bosca" Seal.
He should have let me do it,
I'm Belinda F---ing Neal!

Now that's what I call a HAT !!!

Seize the moment

Who you calling coloured ???

Now Riddle Me This......!!

What would you call a

Psychic Dwarf

that has just

escaped

from jail?

......

what about .....

......

....

...

..

.

A small medium at large !!

ELDERLY SEX

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you?'

'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'
'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
'Charlie, you devil. Lets'.

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and chuckling to himself, he thinks, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing; I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them,

'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Still shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

The Older I Get .....

Sorry. but to read this you will need to just click

on the picture, because it is apparently too

complex to read without doing so.

A classic animal story

I GOT STOPPED FOR SPEEDING YESTERDAY.

I THOUGHT I COULD TALK MY WAY OUT

OF IT UNTIL THE OFFICER LOOKED AT

MY DOG IN THE BACK SEAT

........Before Marriage & After Marriage........

Divorce. Sometimes there are winners !!!

My Dear Ex-Wife,
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever.
I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.
You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you' re cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.
Signed, Your EX-Husband
P.S. Do not even attempt to try to find me. Your SISTER and I decided to move over to Western Australia and be together! Have a great life!

==============================

Dear Ex-Husband,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.
I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' however since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with M Y S I S TER, because I stopped eating pork six years ago. About those new silk boxers, I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was just a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.
So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica . But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me.
So take care.
Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

...... Is this an IRISH Joke ???.....

These men are installing bollards to stop cars parking on the pavement outside an Irish sports bar. They are cleaning up at the end of the day.

How long do you think it will be before

they realise?

It's a Dogs Life....

We all know someone who fits the bill here !!!

......... Funny Cartoonies ..........

What does a 320 pound woman look like?

Not what you were expecting, was it??!!

The tallest and biggest woman in the world lives in Holland.

She is 7'4' and weighs 320lbs.

What a relief .......

Now we ALL know we aren't overweight,

just too short!!!

Memories of the good times in 1957

It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.
Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" she says. That's cool.
Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do. Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive in movie. Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says "Wha...aaat?" "Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"
Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.
A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while mum is saying, "Have a good Evening kids," with a small wink for Harold.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother: "Dammit, Mum! The Twist! The Twist! It's called The Twist!"

First U.S.Campaign Button of 2008

It was to be Clem's last job as a Carpenter

And you thought you'd seen EVERYTHING

..........But not quite !!!..........

I always used to like Cowboys & Indians

(If you can't read it just click on the picture to get a bigger version)

Moses had his instructions....

.......Even Noah had his problems !!.......

I'm afraid that Woodpecker might have to go!

Could be the perfect disguise .... if he could see!!

I would like to know how many beers you would need to have had to come up with even the

IDEA of doing this !!!

(Gotta luv the ears)

Sperm Count

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open!"

Things that have always puzzled me...!!

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know that I don't have enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
What is the speed of darkness?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Did you ever stop and wonder......
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink

whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum."
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the toilet is?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours, they are both dogs!!??
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from ?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on . . . . . . . . .. .
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Gotta Love Your Scotch

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.."
The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me".
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says,"I would like to buy you a drink, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water." "Coming up," says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."
The old woman says,"Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water"
"Coming right up," the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."

Happy Valentines Day

Valentines Day 2008

Turned out okay after all.

The Duck Hunter - vs - The Farmer

A big city lawyer from New Zealand flew over especially to go duck hunting in rural Victoria. On the first day out he shot and dropped a bird however it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a barbed wire fence. As the lawyer carefully climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New Zealand and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes around Lake Murphy in Kerang. We settle small disagreements like this with the ”Three Kick Rule." "The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first, I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until one of us just gives up. "The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear-end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pat. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. After wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old prick, now it is my turn.
"The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

Tickled my sense of humour!!!!

Went to the cemetery the other day and saw four men carrying a coffin.
Three hours later I saw the same four men with the same coffin.
I thought to myself - these blokes have lost the f**king plot...!!

Is it really SEXIST to appreciate ???

I don't even know the bloke with the fork !!!

But, I'll take their word for it, he must be a prick!!

How Moses Got the 10 Commandments....

God went to the Arabs and said, 'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.' The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?' And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.' 'Can you give us an example?' 'Thou shall not kill.' 'Not kill? We're not interested.'

God went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.' The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, 'Honour thy Father and Mother.' 'Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested.'

Then he went to the Mexicans and said, 'I have Commandments.' The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shalt not steal.' 'Not steal? We're not interested.'

God then went to the French and said, 'I have Commandments.' The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.' 'Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'

Finally, God went to the Jews and said, 'I have Commandments.' 'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?' 'They're free.' 'We'll take 10.'

There, that ought to offend just about everybody.

Motivational Poster

Found in Fishing Village at Eden NSW

Carnation Your Coffee ... Too Easy !!

A little old lady from Newfoundland had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation.
When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in approximately the early 1940's, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan. The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with "Carnation Milk is best of all...."
She thought to herself, I know all about milk and dairy farms .... I can do this!
She sent in her entry and about a week later, a large black limousine drove up in front of her house! .... a man got out and after knocking on her door informed her that, "Carnation loved your entry so much, we are here to award you $1,000, even though we will not be able to use it."
Here is her entry .... .... ....

Medical Marvels

A man comes into the accident & emergency and yells, 'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!' I grabbed my bag and rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs --- and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,' I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,' replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg LA
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
Which one?' I asked.
'The patch, the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!' I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!!
(Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one....)
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she answered, 'Why, not for about twenty years when my husband was alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-Corvallis, OR
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by RN no name
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AND FINALLY!!!................
As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'
She replied, 'No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, 'I wish I was in Dixie ' ........ "my name's Dixie!".
Dr. wouldn't submit his name

~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~

Do you know where you would be?

IF – You had all the money your heart desires?
IF – You had no worries at all?
IF – You came home to the finest meal waiting for you?
IF – Your bathwater had been run?
IF – You had the perfect children?
IF – Your partner was waiting for you with open Arms & Kisses?

HELLOOooo!!!!!!!!!

My guess ..............
YOU'D BE IN THE WRONG F*CKING HOUSE

A Death in the Family

A very elderly man by the name of Mr Barry Goldstein was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong. "Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."
Knowing that her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences.
The following day, Mr Goldstein was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pyjamas when he met Nurse Tracy.
"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Parts back inside your pyjamas.
"But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my Private Part died."
"Well, yes you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pyjamas?"
"Mr Goldstein was puzzled however replied, "Because today's the viewing."

Not Appreciated at work..... your not alone !!

Just goes to show you, no matter how hard you work you will

not be paid any extra & it is now a matter of fact
that no one will possibly even notice....!!

Having Mum over for Dinner !!

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer was.
Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Jennifer and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mum:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian
Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mum

LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER.

Habib's New Exhaust System

A Real Cracker

Two gay men decide to have a baby.
They mix their sperm together and have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it.
When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the gay fathers, she points out the happy child as theirs. "Isn't it wonderful?" one gay says to the other. "All these unhappy babies .... and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves the superiority of gay love!"
The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the thermometer out of his arse!"

The Imposter

Budget Motels

A man walked into what he was told was a budget motel.

After making it known how much he could afford he was being shown to the room by the owner when he asked her what the room was like. "Oh it's a beautiful room" she said and then added "Do you have a good memory for faces" to which he replied "Well, yes I do ... why do you ask?"

The owner replied "Because there's no mirror in the bathrooom."

Will the ID Card come in under ALP??

It's important to be organized !!!

Can anyone help me out and suggest which Council this acutally could be???

There is a SALE for every reason !!!

No Pole Dancing on Trains... What next ?

A raw deal for all, especially SMOKERS !!

Finding a Sensative Man

A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears although she is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?' She turns to him and kisses himlightly on the lips He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well,how was that for you?' The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says: "Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf darling"

Don't forget Valentines Day

There really is LIGHT at the end of the tunnel....

No matter what situation's life throws at you,
No matter how long and treacherous your journey may seem,
Remember, there's always light at the end of the tunnel...

A Kids Take on Politics

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I
understand the concept of politics now.'
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.

The most Purrfect Pair.....

A Scotsman walking down the street sees a woman with perfect pair of breasts that he had ever seen in his entire life. He stopped abruptly and said to her, “Hey Miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?” “Are you nuts?!!!” she replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. “'Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?” he asked again. “Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?”
So the Scotsman runs around the next block and faces her again; “Okay, last chance. Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?”
She thinks about it for a while and says, “Hmmm, $10,000 dollars; Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there.”
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse and bra to reveal what he believes are the most perfect pair of breasts in the world. As soon as they are released from their holster he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them. But not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"
"Nah", says the Scotsman... "Costs too much....."

The Celebration

A man was in a bar savoring a martini when an attractive woman sat down beside him. The bartender served her a glass of juice and the man turned to her and said, "Today is a very special day and I'm celebrating."
"I happen to be celebrating today too," she replied, as they clinked glasses.
"What are you celebrating?" he asked.
"I've been trying to have a child for years," she said, "and today my gynecologist told me that I am finally pregnant!"
"Congratulations," the man said. "It so happens that I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile. But today they are finally fertile."
"That's wonderful news," said the woman. "How did it happen?"
"I switched cocks," he said.
"What a coincidence!" she replied, grinning.

Whatcha Doin' Dad?

One day, Little Johnny walked into his parents bedroom, only to catch mum just getting out of the shower and his father sitting on the edge of their bed slipping a condom on.
"Whatcha doin', dad?" asked Little Johnny.
In a desperate attempt to hide his condom-covered erection, his father quickly bent over as if to look under the bed.
"Ummmmmm ..... I thought I saw a mouse run underneath the bed," his father quickly replied.
Little Johnny looked at this father grinning slyly, "Really dad? Whatcha gonna do, f*ck it?"

Motherly Advice

On the night before her wedding, the bride-to-be asked her mother for some advice.
"Mom, I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy," she said.
Taking a deep breath, the mother began to explain, "Well, dear, when two people love, honor and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing ... "
"Mother, I know how to screw," the bride-to-be interrupted. "What I want to know is, how do I make your lasagna?!?"

The Record Shop

A man enters a music store to purchase an old-school vinyl record. As he gets ready to check out, he realizes that he doesn't have his wallet. Instead of running back home to get it, he decides to steal the record by sticking it down his pants.

The cashier spots him on the way out and shouts, "Hey! Is that a record in your pants?"

The man replies, "Well, I don't know if it's a record, but I sure haven't heard any complaints."

Idle Thoughts of a Wandering Mind

~~~ I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
~~~ I had amnesia once -- or twice.
~~~ I went to San Francisco . I found someone's heart. Now what?
~~~ Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

~~~ All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
~~~ If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.

~~~ What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
~~~ They told me I was gullible and I believed them.
~~~ Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
~~~ Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
~~~ One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

~~~ My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
~~~ I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
~~~ The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

~~~ How can there be self-help "groups"?
~~~ If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
~~~ Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

~~~ Is it me -- or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
________________________________________

"Blessed is the man who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed."
Alexander Pope

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Australia Day ..... Why it's the 26th of January.

We will never forget our heritage .......

On May 13, 1787, British Captain Arthur Phillip set sail from Portsmouth, England, to establish a convict colony in Australia.

He sailed with 11 ships, 759 convicts -- 191 of whom were female -- 13 children of convicts, 211 marines, 46 wives and children of marines, and his staff of nine.

Phillip landed at Botany Bay on the eastern coast of Australia on January 18, 1788, travelled some kilometres north to find a more suitable place for settlement and came ashore at Sydney Cove on January 26 in what is now the historic Rocks area at the southern end of today's Sydney Harbour Bridge.

The Bus Stop

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'

The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd both be riding the bus, so shut the f**k up.

********************************

Food For Thought

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
Or get married and wish you were dead.
__________

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,

'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'
__________

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:

'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:

'You can have mine.'
__________

When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
__________

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished ..
__________

A little boy asked his father,
'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'
__________

A young son asked,
'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't

know his wife until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'
__________

Then there was a woman who said,

'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late.'
__________

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
__________

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
__________

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go

through life thinking they had no faults at all.
__________

First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'

Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
__________

'A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for:

Wisdom, To understand a man,

to Love and to forgive him ,

and for patience for his moods.

Because Lord, if I pray for Strength

I'm sure that I'll beat him to death.'
__________

Exercising your rights......

Are We There Yet ??

Food is an important part of any diet.....