WHERE DID THE WHITE MAN GO WRONG

Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white U.S. government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied, 'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.

'Then the chief leaned back and smiled, 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'

Some Cartoonies

LAS VEGAS

I THRULY DID NOT KNOW THIS !!!

IN LAS VEGAS CHURCHES ACCEPT GAMBLING CHIPS!!!

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.

THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.
YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE THAT COMING DID YOU ?

Football - It's Such A Comfort

Two 90 year old men, George and Mark, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Mark is dying, George visits him every day.

One day George says, 'Mark, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there.'

Mark looks up at George from his death bed,' George, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you. Shortly after that, Mark passes on. At midnight a couple of nights later.

George is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, George --George.' 'Who is it? Asks George sitting up suddenly………. 'Who is it?'
George --it's me, Mark….'

You're not Mark.….. Mark just died.'

'I'm telling you, it's me, Mark,' insists the voice.'

'Mark ??? Where are you?'
'In heaven', replies Mark. 'I have some really good news and a little bit of bad news.' 'Tell me the good news first,' says George.

“The good news,' Mark says,' is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too.

“But better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired.'

'That's fantastic,' says George. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'
'You're in the team for Tuesday.'

Love The Irish !!!

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!' Miraculously, a parking place appeared.Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?' The man said, 'I do, Father.'The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?''Certainly, Father,' the man replied. 'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.' The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'

Paddy was in New York . He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney. 'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!''Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?''Just water,' says the priest.The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.' 'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?''When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.''Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?' She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his arse. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his arse cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and arse and Kathleen staring at him from across the room. She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?''Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

HOW FIGHTS REALLY GET STARTED !!!

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust!'

And then the fight started...

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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 100 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a set of scales.

And then the fight started...

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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... So, I took her to a petrol station.... And then the fight started....

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After retiring, I went to the local Centre Link office to apply for the aged pension. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'don't bother. Just unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver chest hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Aged Pension application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Centre Link office.

She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And then the fight started...

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I rear-ended a car the other day. We pulled over and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get so stressed and little things just seem funny? Well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, …. which one are you?'

And then the fight started...

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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf - always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway as well.' And then the fight started... The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

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Moral to these stories :

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always

right, and the other is the husband.

A Good Operator

A man checks into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, and long graceful legs all the way up to her..... You know the kind. He copied down the phone number and returned to his hotel. When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call.

"Hello?" the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?

"She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9".

Responsibilities

One morning I was having breakfast at Darling Harbour and saw a couple of NSW Politicians walking alongside the water front, one slipped and the other went to grab hold of him but also lost his balance and they both fell into the water.

I hurried over to the edge and looked down seeing that they were both in trouble, it even looked to me as if they were drowning.

I did the right think and immediately notified the authorities.

I haven’t heard anything back from them yet, so I really hope that I haven’t wasted a stamp !!

A Retiring Couple

The couple were 85 years old and had been married for 60 years. Although they were far from rich, they had always managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.

'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man. 'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.

That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'

The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?' 'Not unless you want to,' was the answer. 'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or....' 'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your f...ing Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'

Oooooooops...

Oh dear, they forgot about the sun when designing this wall!

Teachers Pet

The children began to identify the flavours by their colour:

Red......................Cherry

Yellow..................Lemon

Green..................Lime

Orange ...............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers.None of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what yourmother may sometimes call your father.

'One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out andyelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!

The teacher had to leave the room!

RETIREMENT - An Inspiring Message

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world.

It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.

Harold Sclumberg is such a person.

I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired'?

Well..I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning Beer, Wine, Scotch and Congnac into urine.

A True Scottish Soldier

A Scottish Soldier in full dress uniform marches into a chemists. Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it.The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.“How much to repair it?” the Scot asks the chemist. “Six pence,” says the chemist. “How much for a new one?” “Ten pence,”says the chemist.

The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging. A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.

The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.

“The regiment has taken a vote,” he says.“We’ll have a new one.”

Ah, the Golden Age

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast.

"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball I couldn't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."

"That's no good" sighs Arthur, "your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law who is 103 & says, "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight".

"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.

"I don't remember."

The Old Motors Running

The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town.

After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.

The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, 'This is amazing, how do you do it at your age?'

The old man grinned and said, 'You just got to keep the old motor running.'

The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child.

The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman.

She said, 'Sir, you are something else. How do you manage it?'The old man grinned & said, 'You gotta keep the old motor running.'

A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child.

The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, 'Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it?'The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running.'

The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said: Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black.' ------------------

The Cork

Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class in Melbourne, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his ass.

If you do not mind me saying,' stated the second, 'that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?'

I regret I cannot', lamented the first Arab. 'It is permanently stuck in my ass.

'I do not understand,' said the other.The first Arab says, 'I was walking along Russell Street and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an Australian Flag attire with a white beard and Akubra hat came boiling out.

He said, 'I am Captain Aussie, the Genie. I can grant you one wish.'

I said, “No Shit ?”

God Bless Captain Aussie & Australia

Witty Irish Priest

An Irish priest was transferred to Brisbane.

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Brisbane mission parish.

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.He then noticed there was a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station......

The conversation went like this: ''Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?''

''And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a donkey lying dead in me front lawn.

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, ''Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!''
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment .......................................... Father O'Malley then replied: ''Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.''

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum the Federal Health Minister Nicola Roxon asked the director of Medicine there how they determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," she said "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Would you want a bed near the window?"

FAMILY TIES

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, Only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.

The Taliban asked: 'Do you have water?'

The Jewish man replied: 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only US$5.

'The Taliban shouted: 'Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!'

'OK,' said the old Jewish man, 'it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. 'I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. 'It has all the ice cold water you need, Shalom.

'Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.

".... Your f****ng brother won't let me in without a tie!...."