Friday, February 29, 2008
What does a 320 pound woman look like?
Not what you were expecting, was it??!!
The tallest and biggest woman in the world lives in Holland.She is 7'4' and weighs 320lbs.
What a relief .......
Now we ALL know we aren't overweight,
just too short!!!
Monday, February 25, 2008
Memories of the good times in 1957
It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.
Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" she says. That's cool.
Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do. Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive in movie. Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says "Wha...aaat?" "Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"
Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.
A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while mum is saying, "Have a good Evening kids," with a small wink for Harold.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother: "Dammit, Mum! The Twist! The Twist! It's called The Twist!"
Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" she says. That's cool.
Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do. Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive in movie. Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says "Wha...aaat?" "Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"
Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.
A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while mum is saying, "Have a good Evening kids," with a small wink for Harold.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother: "Dammit, Mum! The Twist! The Twist! It's called The Twist!"
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Thursday, February 21, 2008
I always used to like Cowboys & Indians
(If you can't read it just click on the picture to get a bigger version)Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Could be the perfect disguise .... if he could see!!
I would like to know how many beers you would need to have had to come up with even theIDEA of doing this !!!
(Gotta luv the ears)
Sperm Count
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open!"
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open!"
Things that have always puzzled me...!!
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know that I don't have enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
What is the speed of darkness?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Did you ever stop and wonder......
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know that I don't have enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
What is the speed of darkness?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Did you ever stop and wonder......
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink
whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum."
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the toilet is?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours, they are both dogs!!??
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from ?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on . . . . . . . . .. .
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum."
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the toilet is?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours, they are both dogs!!??
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from ?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on . . . . . . . . .. .
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Gotta Love Your Scotch
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.."
The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me".
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says,"I would like to buy you a drink, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water." "Coming up," says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."
The old woman says,"Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water"
"Coming right up," the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."
The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me".
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says,"I would like to buy you a drink, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water." "Coming up," says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."
The old woman says,"Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water"
"Coming right up," the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."
Thursday, February 14, 2008
The Duck Hunter - vs - The Farmer
A big city lawyer from New Zealand flew over especially to go duck hunting in rural Victoria. On the first day out he shot and dropped a bird however it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a barbed wire fence. As the lawyer carefully climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New Zealand and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes around Lake Murphy in Kerang. We settle small disagreements like this with the ”Three Kick Rule." "The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first, I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until one of us just gives up. "The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear-end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pat. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. After wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old prick, now it is my turn.
"The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New Zealand and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes around Lake Murphy in Kerang. We settle small disagreements like this with the ”Three Kick Rule." "The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first, I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until one of us just gives up. "The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear-end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pat. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. After wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old prick, now it is my turn.
"The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Tickled my sense of humour!!!!
Went to the cemetery the other day and saw four men carrying a coffin.
Three hours later I saw the same four men with the same coffin.
I thought to myself - these blokes have lost the f**king plot...!!
Three hours later I saw the same four men with the same coffin.
I thought to myself - these blokes have lost the f**king plot...!!
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
I don't even know the bloke with the fork !!!
But, I'll take their word for it, he must be a prick!!How Moses Got the 10 Commandments....
God went to the Arabs and said, 'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.' The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?' And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.' 'Can you give us an example?' 'Thou shall not kill.' 'Not kill? We're not interested.'
God went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.' The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, 'Honour thy Father and Mother.' 'Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested.'
Then he went to the Mexicans and said, 'I have Commandments.' The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shalt not steal.' 'Not steal? We're not interested.'
God then went to the French and said, 'I have Commandments.' The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.' 'Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'
Finally, God went to the Jews and said, 'I have Commandments.' 'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?' 'They're free.' 'We'll take 10.'
There, that ought to offend just about everybody.
God went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.' The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, 'Honour thy Father and Mother.' 'Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested.'
Then he went to the Mexicans and said, 'I have Commandments.' The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shalt not steal.' 'Not steal? We're not interested.'
God then went to the French and said, 'I have Commandments.' The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.' 'Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'
Finally, God went to the Jews and said, 'I have Commandments.' 'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?' 'They're free.' 'We'll take 10.'
There, that ought to offend just about everybody.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Saturday, February 9, 2008
Carnation Your Coffee ... Too Easy !!
A little old lady from Newfoundland had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation.
When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in approximately the early 1940's, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan. The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with "Carnation Milk is best of all...."
She thought to herself, I know all about milk and dairy farms .... I can do this!
She sent in her entry and about a week later, a large black limousine drove up in front of her house! .... a man got out and after knocking on her door informed her that, "Carnation loved your entry so much, we are here to award you $1,000, even though we will not be able to use it."
Here is her entry .... .... ....
When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in approximately the early 1940's, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan. The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with "Carnation Milk is best of all...."
She thought to herself, I know all about milk and dairy farms .... I can do this!
She sent in her entry and about a week later, a large black limousine drove up in front of her house! .... a man got out and after knocking on her door informed her that, "Carnation loved your entry so much, we are here to award you $1,000, even though we will not be able to use it."
Here is her entry .... .... ....
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Medical Marvels
A man comes into the accident & emergency and yells, 'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!' I grabbed my bag and rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs --- and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,' I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,' replied the patient.
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,' I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,' replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg LA
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
Which one?' I asked.
'The patch, the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!' I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!!
(Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one....)
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she answered, 'Why, not for about twenty years when my husband was alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-Corvallis, OR
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by RN no name
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AND FINALLY!!!................
As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'
She replied, 'No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, 'I wish I was in Dixie ' ........ "my name's Dixie!".
Dr. wouldn't submit his name
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg LA
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
Which one?' I asked.
'The patch, the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!' I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!!
(Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one....)
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she answered, 'Why, not for about twenty years when my husband was alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-Corvallis, OR
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by RN no name
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AND FINALLY!!!................
As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'
She replied, 'No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, 'I wish I was in Dixie ' ........ "my name's Dixie!".
Dr. wouldn't submit his name
~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~
Do you know where you would be?
IF – You had all the money your heart desires?IF – You had no worries at all?
IF – You came home to the finest meal waiting for you?
IF – Your bathwater had been run?
IF – You had the perfect children?
IF – Your partner was waiting for you with open Arms & Kisses?
HELLOOooo!!!!!!!!!
A Death in the Family
A very elderly man by the name of Mr Barry Goldstein was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong. "Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."
Knowing that her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences.
The following day, Mr Goldstein was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pyjamas when he met Nurse Tracy.
"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Parts back inside your pyjamas.
"But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my Private Part died."
"Well, yes you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pyjamas?"
"Mr Goldstein was puzzled however replied, "Because today's the viewing."
Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong. "Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."
Knowing that her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences.
The following day, Mr Goldstein was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pyjamas when he met Nurse Tracy.
"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Parts back inside your pyjamas.
"But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my Private Part died."
"Well, yes you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pyjamas?"
"Mr Goldstein was puzzled however replied, "Because today's the viewing."
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Not Appreciated at work..... your not alone !!
Just goes to show you, no matter how hard you work you willnot be paid any extra & it is now a matter of fact
that no one will possibly even notice....!!
that no one will possibly even notice....!!
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Having Mum over for Dinner !!
Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer was.
Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Jennifer and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mum:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian
Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mum
LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER.
Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Jennifer and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mum:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian
Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mum
LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER.
A Real Cracker
Two gay men decide to have a baby.
They mix their sperm together and have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it.
When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the gay fathers, she points out the happy child as theirs. "Isn't it wonderful?" one gay says to the other. "All these unhappy babies .... and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves the superiority of gay love!"
The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the thermometer out of his arse!"
They mix their sperm together and have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it.
When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the gay fathers, she points out the happy child as theirs. "Isn't it wonderful?" one gay says to the other. "All these unhappy babies .... and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves the superiority of gay love!"
The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the thermometer out of his arse!"
Monday, February 4, 2008
Budget Motels
A man walked into what he was told was a budget motel.
After making it known how much he could afford he was being shown to the room by the owner when he asked her what the room was like. "Oh it's a beautiful room" she said and then added "Do you have a good memory for faces" to which he replied "Well, yes I do ... why do you ask?"
The owner replied "Because there's no mirror in the bathrooom."
After making it known how much he could afford he was being shown to the room by the owner when he asked her what the room was like. "Oh it's a beautiful room" she said and then added "Do you have a good memory for faces" to which he replied "Well, yes I do ... why do you ask?"
The owner replied "Because there's no mirror in the bathrooom."
It's important to be organized !!!
Can anyone help me out and suggest which Council this acutally could be???
Finding a Sensative Man
A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears although she is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?' She turns to him and kisses himlightly on the lips He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well,how was that for you?' The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says: "Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf darling"
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears although she is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?' She turns to him and kisses himlightly on the lips He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well,how was that for you?' The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says: "Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf darling"
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