These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.
The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir! , you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.""That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill:"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." Winston Churchill, in response: "Cannot attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
And of course one from me, & one of my favourites ....
"I think that he'd be out of his depth in a car park puddle." Lionel R.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Little Johnny Strikes Again....
Primary School teacher in Concord asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating".
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight." The teacher sat down and just started to cry.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating".
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight." The teacher sat down and just started to cry.
* * * * * * * * * *
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Immitation may be the highest form of flattery.....
Do You Know Who I Am ???? I'm Belina F***ing Neal
For years I brown-nosed bastards from the Centre to the Right,
I fiddled with the numbers and I suck-holed day and night.
And when they wouldn't have me, waited for the next election,
And then I bitched so loudly I was given pre-selection.
And now I make the bastards pay,
So if you need a deal
Remember who you're talking to,
Belinda f---ing Neal.
If my soccer boot has hit some bitch and got her in the arse,
Well what the f---k could she expect just lying in the grass?
And then the bloody referee holds up a card of red
And gives me marching orders! Well, she wished that she was dead.
I shoved my nose into her face,
You should have heard her squeal!
Do you know who you are dealing with?
Belinda f---ing Neal.
I married Della Bosca though I felt a bit above him
And I beat him up occasionally to show him that I love him.
All in all it's worked out well, he's like a railway buffer
And if I get a bit too loud, it's Iemma who's has to suffer.
But the MC at the wedding breakfast
Made a blue for real –
She called me Mrs. Della B, when I'm
Belinda f---ing Neal.
Now, that dinner by the waterside at Gosford (which I hate!)
The one they're now referring to as my Iguanagate.
I didn't swear (I never do!), I swear by all that's proper,
I never said I'd close them down or lean on a local copper.
I only said, so nice and quiet
You could hear the church bells peal,
Do you know who you're dealing with?
Belinda f---ing Neal!
But now it's all been squared away, the matter put to rest,
Della's apologised to himself, the thing he does the best.
"We're sorry, sir and madam, for the hell we've put you through,
And if you come to visit, there's a free meal here for you".
His one mistake was stamping it
With his "Della Bosca" Seal.
He should have let me do it,
I'm Belinda F---ing Neal!
I fiddled with the numbers and I suck-holed day and night.
And when they wouldn't have me, waited for the next election,
And then I bitched so loudly I was given pre-selection.
And now I make the bastards pay,
So if you need a deal
Remember who you're talking to,
Belinda f---ing Neal.
If my soccer boot has hit some bitch and got her in the arse,
Well what the f---k could she expect just lying in the grass?
And then the bloody referee holds up a card of red
And gives me marching orders! Well, she wished that she was dead.
I shoved my nose into her face,
You should have heard her squeal!
Do you know who you are dealing with?
Belinda f---ing Neal.
I married Della Bosca though I felt a bit above him
And I beat him up occasionally to show him that I love him.
All in all it's worked out well, he's like a railway buffer
And if I get a bit too loud, it's Iemma who's has to suffer.
But the MC at the wedding breakfast
Made a blue for real –
She called me Mrs. Della B, when I'm
Belinda f---ing Neal.
Now, that dinner by the waterside at Gosford (which I hate!)
The one they're now referring to as my Iguanagate.
I didn't swear (I never do!), I swear by all that's proper,
I never said I'd close them down or lean on a local copper.
I only said, so nice and quiet
You could hear the church bells peal,
Do you know who you're dealing with?
Belinda f---ing Neal!
But now it's all been squared away, the matter put to rest,
Della's apologised to himself, the thing he does the best.
"We're sorry, sir and madam, for the hell we've put you through,
And if you come to visit, there's a free meal here for you".
His one mistake was stamping it
With his "Della Bosca" Seal.
He should have let me do it,
I'm Belinda F---ing Neal!
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