Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?
Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Why do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage.
EVER WONDER ...Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery Again'?
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavouring, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words, send it to everyone.
We all need to smile every once in a while.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Monday, July 12, 2010
~~~ RETIREMENT ~~~ An Inspirational Message
As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world.
It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.
JOHN CRAIG is such a person.
HE IS TRULY INSPIRING!
I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired'?
Well……I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning red & white wine, Scotch as well as James Boag's Pure Beer, to name just one, into urine.
It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.
JOHN CRAIG is such a person.
HE IS TRULY INSPIRING!
I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired'?
Well……I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning red & white wine, Scotch as well as James Boag's Pure Beer, to name just one, into urine.
Howdy Partner -- No Charge For Love
A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell. He painted a sign advertising the 4 pups and set about nailing it to a post on the edge of his yard. As he was driving the last nail into the post, he felt a tug on his overalls. He looked down into the eyes of little boy.
"Mister," he said, "I want to buy one of your puppies."
"Well," said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat off the back of his neck, "These puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money."
The boy dropped his head for a moment. Then reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer. "I've got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take a look?"
"Sure," said the farmer. And with that he let out a whistle. "Here, Dolly!" he called.
Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by four little balls of fur.
The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His eyes danced with delight. As the dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse.
Slowly another little ball appeared this one noticeably smaller. Down the ramp it slid. Then in a somewhat awkward manner, the little pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up...
"I want that one," the little boy said, pointing to the runt.
The farmer knelt down at the boy's side and said, "Son, you don't want that puppy. He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would."
With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his trousers. In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself to a specially made shoe.
Looking back up at the farmer, he said, "You see sir, I don't run too well myself, and he will need someone who understands."
With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and picked up the pup.
Holding it carefully he handed it to the little boy.
"How much?" asked the little boy.
"No charge," answered the farmer, "There's no charge for love."
The world is full of people who need someone who understands.
It's National Friendship Week, so go ahead and show your friends how much you care.
"Mister," he said, "I want to buy one of your puppies."
"Well," said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat off the back of his neck, "These puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money."
The boy dropped his head for a moment. Then reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer. "I've got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take a look?"
"Sure," said the farmer. And with that he let out a whistle. "Here, Dolly!" he called.
Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by four little balls of fur.
The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His eyes danced with delight. As the dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse.
Slowly another little ball appeared this one noticeably smaller. Down the ramp it slid. Then in a somewhat awkward manner, the little pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up...
"I want that one," the little boy said, pointing to the runt.
The farmer knelt down at the boy's side and said, "Son, you don't want that puppy. He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would."
With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his trousers. In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself to a specially made shoe.
Looking back up at the farmer, he said, "You see sir, I don't run too well myself, and he will need someone who understands."
With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and picked up the pup.
Holding it carefully he handed it to the little boy.
"How much?" asked the little boy.
"No charge," answered the farmer, "There's no charge for love."
The world is full of people who need someone who understands.
It's National Friendship Week, so go ahead and show your friends how much you care.
~~~~ Children Have Little Expectations ~~~~
Explained By ChildrenI only know the names of two angels, Hark and Harold.
Gregory, age 5
Gregory, age 5
Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it
-Olive, age 9
It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to Heaven, and then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes.
-Matthew, age 9
-Matthew, age 9
Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else.
-Mitchell, age 7
My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science.
-Henry, age 8
-Henry, age 8
Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows!!!
-Jack, age 6
Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead.
Daniel, age 9
When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath again, somewhere there's a tornado.
-Reagan, age 10
Daniel, age 9
When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath again, somewhere there's a tornado.
-Reagan, age 10
Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go south for the winter.
-Sara, age 6
Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter.
-Jared, age 8
-Jared, age 8
All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go for it.
-Antonio, age 9
My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth.
-Ashley age 9
Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the child get over it.
-Vicki, age 8
What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them.
- Lionel, age 9
Walking Eagle --- It's an Indian Story
On one of his many trips overseas but this one also incorporated the U.S.A., the Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nations due to his experiences in handling the Indigenous situation in Australia.
Well Kevin spoke for almost an hour on his ideas for increasing every First Nation’s present standard of living.
At the conclusion of his speech, the tribes presented the Prime Minister with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle.
The proud Rudd then departed with his entourage, waving to the crowd as he left.
A news reporter later asked the chiefs how they came to select the new name given to Rudd.
They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit, it can no longer fly.
Well Kevin spoke for almost an hour on his ideas for increasing every First Nation’s present standard of living.
At the conclusion of his speech, the tribes presented the Prime Minister with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle.
The proud Rudd then departed with his entourage, waving to the crowd as he left.
A news reporter later asked the chiefs how they came to select the new name given to Rudd.
They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit, it can no longer fly.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Could be the Jokes of 2010 -- so far !!
John Howard, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.
The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, soPutin writes him a cheque.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a cheque.
Finally John Howard gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.
When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Howard got to call Australia so cheaply.
The devil smiles and replies: "Since Rudd & Gillard took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's only a local call.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.
The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, soPutin writes him a cheque.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a cheque.
Finally John Howard gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.
When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Howard got to call Australia so cheaply.
The devil smiles and replies: "Since Rudd & Gillard took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's only a local call.
Goodbye Mum
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him..
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son.
"He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mum' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy.
"She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mum.
"The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries. "That comes to $121.85," said the cashier.
"How come so much? I only bought 5 items.
"The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."
Bet you thought this was going to be a tear jerker. Don't trust Little Old Ladies!!
Yes, I laughed too, but the moral of the story is be careful of what you agree to with people you don't know!!!
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son.
"He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mum' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy.
"She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mum.
"The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries. "That comes to $121.85," said the cashier.
"How come so much? I only bought 5 items.
"The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."
Bet you thought this was going to be a tear jerker. Don't trust Little Old Ladies!!
Yes, I laughed too, but the moral of the story is be careful of what you agree to with people you don't know!!!
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