Big Fat Bastards Blog

Spread The Stupidity

2010-07-13T17:25:00.000-07:00

Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Why do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage.

EVER WONDER ...Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery Again'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavouring, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words, send it to everyone.

We all need to smile every once in a while.

~ RETIREMENT ~ An Inspirational Message

2010-07-12T00:09:00.001-07:00

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world.

It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.

JOHN CRAIG is such a person.

HE IS TRULY INSPIRING!

I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired'?

Well……I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning red & white wine, Scotch as well as James Boag's Pure Beer, to name just one, into urine.

Howdy Partner -- No Charge For Love

2010-07-12T00:05:00.000-07:00

A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell. He painted a sign advertising the 4 pups and set about nailing it to a post on the edge of his yard. As he was driving the last nail into the post, he felt a tug on his overalls. He looked down into the eyes of little boy.

"Mister," he said, "I want to buy one of your puppies."

"Well," said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat off the back of his neck, "These puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money."

The boy dropped his head for a moment. Then reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer. "I've got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take a look?"

"Sure," said the farmer. And with that he let out a whistle. "Here, Dolly!" he called.

Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by four little balls of fur.

The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His eyes danced with delight. As the dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse.

Slowly another little ball appeared this one noticeably smaller. Down the ramp it slid. Then in a somewhat awkward manner, the little pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up...

"I want that one," the little boy said, pointing to the runt.

The farmer knelt down at the boy's side and said, "Son, you don't want that puppy. He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would."

With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his trousers. In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself to a specially made shoe.

Looking back up at the farmer, he said, "You see sir, I don't run too well myself, and he will need someone who understands."

With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and picked up the pup.

Holding it carefully he handed it to the little boy.

"How much?" asked the little boy.

"No charge," answered the farmer, "There's no charge for love."

The world is full of people who need someone who understands.

It's National Friendship Week, so go ahead and show your friends how much you care.

Children Have Little Expectations

2010-07-12T00:02:00.000-07:00

Explained By ChildrenI only know the names of two angels, Hark and Harold.
Gregory, age 5

Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it
-Olive, age 9

It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to Heaven, and then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes.
-Matthew, age 9

Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else.
-Mitchell, age 7

My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science.
-Henry, age 8

Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows!!!

-Jack, age 6

Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead.
Daniel, age 9

When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath again, somewhere there's a tornado.
-Reagan, age 10

Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go south for the winter.
-Sara, age 6

Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter.
-Jared, age 8

All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go for it.
-Antonio, age 9

My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth.
-Ashley age 9

Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the child get over it.
-Vicki, age 8

What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them.
- Lionel, age 9

Walking Eagle --- It's an Indian Story

2010-07-12T00:00:00.000-07:00

On one of his many trips overseas but this one also incorporated the U.S.A., the Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nations due to his experiences in handling the Indigenous situation in Australia.

Well Kevin spoke for almost an hour on his ideas for increasing every First Nation’s present standard of living.

At the conclusion of his speech, the tribes presented the Prime Minister with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle.

The proud Rudd then departed with his entourage, waving to the crowd as he left.

A news reporter later asked the chiefs how they came to select the new name given to Rudd.

They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit, it can no longer fly.

Could be the Jokes of 2010 -- so far !!

2010-07-11T23:58:00.000-07:00

John Howard, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.

The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, soPutin writes him a cheque.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a cheque.

Finally John Howard gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Howard got to call Australia so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies: "Since Rudd & Gillard took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's only a local call.

Goodbye Mum

2010-07-11T23:56:00.000-07:00

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him..

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son.

"He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mum' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy.

"She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mum.

"The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries. "That comes to $121.85," said the cashier.

"How come so much? I only bought 5 items.

"The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."

Bet you thought this was going to be a tear jerker. Don't trust Little Old Ladies!!

Yes, I laughed too, but the moral of the story is be careful of what you agree to with people you don't know!!!

The Irish Bus Thieves

2010-07-11T23:55:00.001-07:00

Two Irish friends leave the pub. One says to other, 'I can't be bothered to walk all the way home.'

I know, me too but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home.'

'We could steal a bus from the depot.' replies his mate.

They arrive at the bus depot and one goes in to get a bus while the other keeps a look-out.

After shuffling around for ages, the lookout shouts, 'What are you doing?Have you not found one yet?'

'I can't find a No. 91'

'Oh Jaysus Christ, ye tick sod, take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the Roundabout.

The Two Dwarfs

2010-07-11T23:53:00.000-07:00

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two 'working girls' and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting cries of..'Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE UGH...Here I come again! ONE,TWO, THREE, UGH!

'This went on all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, 'How did it go?'

The first mutters, 'It was embarrassing. I couldn't get an erection.'

The second dwarf shook his head. ''You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed.'

Little Johnny Is Back Selling Toothbrushes !!

2010-07-11T23:49:00.000-07:00

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.. Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath ...

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!" Then I would say,"It is dog shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"I used our Federal Governmens approach of giving you something shitty for free,and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth."

Innocence Is Priceless

2010-07-11T23:47:00.000-07:00

One Sunday morning, the Minister of a church noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque.

It was covered with names and small Australian flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the Minister walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Alex.' 'Good morning Minister,' he replied, still focused on the plaque.

'Minister, what is this? '

The Minister said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.' Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear
asked, 'Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:30?'

The Mars Bar

2010-07-11T23:45:00.000-07:00

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quick bout of love making' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the Street activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: 'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.

'An ambulance just drove by!'

'Looks like the Anderson's have company,' he called out.

'Matt's riding a new bike!'

'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'

'Jason is on his skate board!'

After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having a root!!'

Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!

Dad cautiously called out,'How do you know that?'

'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar'.!!

Little Johnny & His Breakfast

2010-07-11T23:42:00.000-07:00

A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast. To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.

Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, 'E-G-G'.

'Very good', says the teacher.

Peter says he had toast 'T-O-A-S-T'.

'Excellent.'

Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.
'I had fuck all', he says, 'F-U-C-K A-L-L'.

The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.

Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks students some rudimentary questions.

Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada 's east coast.

When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question. Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?'

Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother. That's why I got fuck all for breakfast'.

WHERE DID THE WHITE MAN GO WRONG

2009-11-18T14:23:00.000-08:00

Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white U.S. government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied, 'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.

'Then the chief leaned back and smiled, 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'

Some Cartoonies

2009-11-15T21:39:00.000-08:00

LAS VEGAS

2009-11-15T21:20:00.000-08:00

I THRULY DID NOT KNOW THIS !!!

IN LAS VEGAS CHURCHES ACCEPT GAMBLING CHIPS!!!

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.

THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.
YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE THAT COMING DID YOU ?

Football - It's Such A Comfort

2009-11-15T21:04:00.000-08:00

Two 90 year old men, George and Mark, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Mark is dying, George visits him every day.

One day George says, 'Mark, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there.'

Mark looks up at George from his death bed,' George, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you. Shortly after that, Mark passes on. At midnight a couple of nights later.

George is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, George --George.' 'Who is it? Asks George sitting up suddenly………. 'Who is it?'
George --it's me, Mark….'

You're not Mark.….. Mark just died.'

'I'm telling you, it's me, Mark,' insists the voice.'

'Mark ??? Where are you?'
'In heaven', replies Mark. 'I have some really good news and a little bit of bad news.' 'Tell me the good news first,' says George.

“The good news,' Mark says,' is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too.

“But better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired.'

'That's fantastic,' says George. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'
'You're in the team for Tuesday.'

Love The Irish !!!

2009-11-15T21:02:00.000-08:00

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!' Miraculously, a parking place appeared.Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?' The man said, 'I do, Father.'The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?''Certainly, Father,' the man replied. 'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.' The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'

Paddy was in New York . He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney. 'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!''Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?''Just water,' says the priest.The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.' 'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?''When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.''Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?' She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his arse. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his arse cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and arse and Kathleen staring at him from across the room. She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?''Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

HOW FIGHTS REALLY GET STARTED !!!

2009-11-15T20:52:00.000-08:00

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust!'

And then the fight started...

=========================================================

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 100 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a set of scales.

And then the fight started...

=========================================================

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... So, I took her to a petrol station.... And then the fight started....

=========================================================

After retiring, I went to the local Centre Link office to apply for the aged pension. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'don't bother. Just unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver chest hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Aged Pension application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Centre Link office.

She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

=======================================================

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And then the fight started...

=======================================================

I rear-ended a car the other day. We pulled over and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get so stressed and little things just seem funny? Well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, …. which one are you?'

And then the fight started...

========================================================

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf - always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway as well.' And then the fight started... The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

=======================================================

Moral to these stories :

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always

right, and the other is the husband.

A Good Operator

2009-11-15T20:51:00.000-08:00

A man checks into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, and long graceful legs all the way up to her..... You know the kind. He copied down the phone number and returned to his hotel. When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call.

"Hello?" the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?

"She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9".

Responsibilities

2009-11-15T20:43:00.000-08:00

One morning I was having breakfast at Darling Harbour and saw a couple of NSW Politicians walking alongside the water front, one slipped and the other went to grab hold of him but also lost his balance and they both fell into the water.

I hurried over to the edge and looked down seeing that they were both in trouble, it even looked to me as if they were drowning.

I did the right think and immediately notified the authorities.

I haven’t heard anything back from them yet, so I really hope that I haven’t wasted a stamp !!

A Retiring Couple

2009-11-15T20:38:00.000-08:00

The couple were 85 years old and had been married for 60 years. Although they were far from rich, they had always managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.

'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man. 'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.

That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'

The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?' 'Not unless you want to,' was the answer. 'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or....' 'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your f...ing Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'

Oooooooops...

2009-11-15T20:34:00.000-08:00

Oh dear, they forgot about the sun when designing this wall!

Teachers Pet

2009-11-15T20:30:00.000-08:00

The children began to identify the flavours by their colour:

Red......................Cherry

Yellow..................Lemon

Green..................Lime

Orange ...............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers.None of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what yourmother may sometimes call your father.

'One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out andyelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!

The teacher had to leave the room!

RETIREMENT - An Inspiring Message

2009-11-15T20:22:00.000-08:00

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world.

It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.

Harold Sclumberg is such a person.

I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired'?

Well..I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning Beer, Wine, Scotch and Congnac into urine.

A True Scottish Soldier

2009-11-15T20:20:00.000-08:00

A Scottish Soldier in full dress uniform marches into a chemists. Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it.The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.“How much to repair it?” the Scot asks the chemist. “Six pence,” says the chemist. “How much for a new one?” “Ten pence,”says the chemist.

The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging. A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.

The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.

“The regiment has taken a vote,” he says.“We’ll have a new one.”

Ah, the Golden Age

2009-11-15T20:19:00.000-08:00

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast.

"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball I couldn't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."

"That's no good" sighs Arthur, "your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law who is 103 & says, "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight".

"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.

"I don't remember."

The Old Motors Running

2009-11-15T20:18:00.000-08:00

The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town.

After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.

The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, 'This is amazing, how do you do it at your age?'

The old man grinned and said, 'You just got to keep the old motor running.'

The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child.

The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman.

She said, 'Sir, you are something else. How do you manage it?'The old man grinned & said, 'You gotta keep the old motor running.'

A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child.

The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, 'Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it?'The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running.'

The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said: Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black.' ------------------

The Cork

2009-11-15T20:16:00.000-08:00

Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class in Melbourne, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his ass.

If you do not mind me saying,' stated the second, 'that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?'

I regret I cannot', lamented the first Arab. 'It is permanently stuck in my ass.

'I do not understand,' said the other.The first Arab says, 'I was walking along Russell Street and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an Australian Flag attire with a white beard and Akubra hat came boiling out.

He said, 'I am Captain Aussie, the Genie. I can grant you one wish.'

I said, “No Shit ?”

God Bless Captain Aussie & Australia

Witty Irish Priest

2009-11-15T20:13:00.000-08:00

An Irish priest was transferred to Brisbane.

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Brisbane mission parish.

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.He then noticed there was a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station......

The conversation went like this: ''Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?''

''And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a donkey lying dead in me front lawn.

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, ''Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!''
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment .......................................... Father O'Malley then replied: ''Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.''

The Bathtub Test

2009-11-15T20:08:00.000-08:00

During a visit to the mental asylum the Federal Health Minister Nicola Roxon asked the director of Medicine there how they determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," she said "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Would you want a bed near the window?"

FAMILY TIES

2009-11-15T20:05:00.000-08:00

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, Only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.

The Taliban asked: 'Do you have water?'

The Jewish man replied: 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only US$5.

'The Taliban shouted: 'Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!'

'OK,' said the old Jewish man, 'it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. 'I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. 'It has all the ice cold water you need, Shalom.

'Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.

".... Your f****ng brother won't let me in without a tie!...."

The Lie Detector Robot

2009-09-03T00:02:00.000-07:00

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks.

His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.

It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school.

Tommy was over 2 hours late.. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha. "The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John.. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents." The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all,he is your son!"

The robot then walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

When Insults Had Class....

2009-09-02T23:50:00.000-07:00

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir! , you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.""That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde

George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill:"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." Winston Churchill, in response: "Cannot attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

And of course one from me, & one of my favourites ....

"I think that he'd be out of his depth in a car park puddle." Lionel R.

Granny's Hooker Special

2009-09-02T23:48:00.000-07:00

Granny Olympics

2009-09-02T23:46:00.000-07:00

Little Johnny Strikes Again....

2008-11-02T15:42:00.000-08:00

Primary School teacher in Concord asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating".
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight." The teacher sat down and just started to cry.

* * * * * * * * * *

Immitation may be the highest form of flattery.....

2008-07-03T19:17:00.000-07:00

A very inspiring little doggy.......

But some just do it out of necessity.....

What a great dog, learnt to overcome his diability & as the old saying goes no matter how much you may be hurting there will be someone worse off than yourself !!!!

Indian School Bus

2008-07-03T19:03:00.000-07:00

I'd hate to get detention !!!

Do You Know Who I Am ???? I'm Belina F***ing Neal

2008-07-03T18:41:00.000-07:00

For years I brown-nosed bastards from the Centre to the Right,
I fiddled with the numbers and I suck-holed day and night.
And when they wouldn't have me, waited for the next election,
And then I bitched so loudly I was given pre-selection.

And now I make the bastards pay,
So if you need a deal
Remember who you're talking to,
Belinda f---ing Neal.

If my soccer boot has hit some bitch and got her in the arse,
Well what the f---k could she expect just lying in the grass?
And then the bloody referee holds up a card of red
And gives me marching orders! Well, she wished that she was dead.

I shoved my nose into her face,
You should have heard her squeal!
Do you know who you are dealing with?
Belinda f---ing Neal.

I married Della Bosca though I felt a bit above him
And I beat him up occasionally to show him that I love him.
All in all it's worked out well, he's like a railway buffer
And if I get a bit too loud, it's Iemma who's has to suffer.

But the MC at the wedding breakfast
Made a blue for real –
She called me Mrs. Della B, when I'm
Belinda f---ing Neal.

Now, that dinner by the waterside at Gosford (which I hate!)
The one they're now referring to as my Iguanagate.
I didn't swear (I never do!), I swear by all that's proper,
I never said I'd close them down or lean on a local copper.

I only said, so nice and quiet
You could hear the church bells peal,
Do you know who you're dealing with?
Belinda f---ing Neal!

But now it's all been squared away, the matter put to rest,
Della's apologised to himself, the thing he does the best.
"We're sorry, sir and madam, for the hell we've put you through,
And if you come to visit, there's a free meal here for you".

His one mistake was stamping it
With his "Della Bosca" Seal.
He should have let me do it,
I'm Belinda F---ing Neal!

Now that's what I call a HAT !!!

2008-05-27T05:26:00.000-07:00

Seize the moment

2008-05-27T05:24:00.000-07:00

Who you calling coloured ???

2008-05-27T05:20:00.001-07:00

Now Riddle Me This......!!

2008-05-25T18:32:00.000-07:00

What would you call a

Psychic Dwarf

that has just

escaped

from jail?

......

what about .....

......

....

...

A small medium at large !!

ELDERLY SEX

2008-05-25T18:30:00.000-07:00

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you?'

'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'
'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
'Charlie, you devil. Lets'.

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and chuckling to himself, he thinks, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing; I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them,

'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Still shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

The Older I Get .....

2008-04-19T00:08:00.000-07:00

Sorry. but to read this you will need to just click

on the picture, because it is apparently too

complex to read without doing so.

A classic animal story

2008-03-18T20:24:00.001-07:00

I GOT STOPPED FOR SPEEDING YESTERDAY.

I THOUGHT I COULD TALK MY WAY OUT

OF IT UNTIL THE OFFICER LOOKED AT

MY DOG IN THE BACK SEAT

........Before Marriage & After Marriage........

2008-03-18T20:17:00.000-07:00

Divorce. Sometimes there are winners !!!

2008-03-07T23:38:00.000-08:00

My Dear Ex-Wife,
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever.
I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.
You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you' re cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.
Signed, Your EX-Husband
P.S. Do not even attempt to try to find me. Your SISTER and I decided to move over to Western Australia and be together! Have a great life!

==============================

Dear Ex-Husband,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.
I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' however since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with M Y S I S TER, because I stopped eating pork six years ago. About those new silk boxers, I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was just a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.
So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica . But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me.
So take care.
Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

...... Is this an IRISH Joke ???.....

2008-03-07T23:32:00.000-08:00

These men are installing bollards to stop cars parking on the pavement outside an Irish sports bar. They are cleaning up at the end of the day.

How long do you think it will be before

they realise?

It's a Dogs Life....

2008-02-29T22:07:00.000-08:00

We all know someone who fits the bill here !!!

2008-02-29T22:06:00.000-08:00

......... Funny Cartoonies ..........

2008-02-29T22:03:00.001-08:00

What does a 320 pound woman look like?

2008-02-29T21:56:00.000-08:00

Not what you were expecting, was it??!!

The tallest and biggest woman in the world lives in Holland.

She is 7'4' and weighs 320lbs.

What a relief .......

Now we ALL know we aren't overweight,

just too short!!!

Memories of the good times in 1957

2008-02-25T12:58:00.000-08:00

It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.
Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" she says. That's cool.
Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do. Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive in movie. Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says "Wha...aaat?" "Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"
Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.
A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while mum is saying, "Have a good Evening kids," with a small wink for Harold.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother: "Dammit, Mum! The Twist! The Twist! It's called The Twist!"

First U.S.Campaign Button of 2008

2008-02-25T05:45:00.001-08:00

It was to be Clem's last job as a Carpenter

2008-02-23T21:35:00.000-08:00

And you thought you'd seen EVERYTHING

2008-02-23T21:33:00.000-08:00

..........But not quite !!!..........

I always used to like Cowboys & Indians

2008-02-21T22:34:00.000-08:00

(If you can't read it just click on the picture to get a bigger version)

Moses had his instructions....

2008-02-20T17:36:00.000-08:00

.......Even Noah had his problems !!.......

2008-02-20T17:35:00.001-08:00

I'm afraid that Woodpecker might have to go!

Could be the perfect disguise .... if he could see!!

2008-02-20T17:17:00.001-08:00

I would like to know how many beers you would need to have had to come up with even the

IDEA of doing this !!!

(Gotta luv the ears)

Sperm Count

2008-02-20T16:57:00.000-08:00

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open!"

Things that have always puzzled me...!!

2008-02-20T16:45:00.000-08:00

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know that I don't have enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
What is the speed of darkness?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Did you ever stop and wonder......
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink

whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum."
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the toilet is?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours, they are both dogs!!??
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from ?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on . . . . . . . . .. .
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Gotta Love Your Scotch

2008-02-16T17:52:00.000-08:00

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.."
The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me".
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says,"I would like to buy you a drink, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water." "Coming up," says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."
The old woman says,"Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water"
"Coming right up," the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."

Happy Valentines Day

2008-02-14T21:50:00.000-08:00

Valentines Day 2008

Turned out okay after all.

The Duck Hunter - vs - The Farmer

2008-02-14T21:41:00.000-08:00

A big city lawyer from New Zealand flew over especially to go duck hunting in rural Victoria. On the first day out he shot and dropped a bird however it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a barbed wire fence. As the lawyer carefully climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New Zealand and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes around Lake Murphy in Kerang. We settle small disagreements like this with the ”Three Kick Rule." "The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first, I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until one of us just gives up. "The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees! His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear-end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pat. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. After wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old prick, now it is my turn.
"The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

Tickled my sense of humour!!!!

2008-02-13T13:43:00.000-08:00

Went to the cemetery the other day and saw four men carrying a coffin.
Three hours later I saw the same four men with the same coffin.
I thought to myself - these blokes have lost the f**king plot...!!

Is it really SEXIST to appreciate ???

2008-02-12T01:44:00.001-08:00

I don't even know the bloke with the fork !!!

2008-02-12T01:37:00.000-08:00

But, I'll take their word for it, he must be a prick!!

How Moses Got the 10 Commandments....

2008-02-12T01:21:00.000-08:00

God went to the Arabs and said, 'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.' The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?' And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.' 'Can you give us an example?' 'Thou shall not kill.' 'Not kill? We're not interested.'

God went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.' The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, 'Honour thy Father and Mother.' 'Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested.'

Then he went to the Mexicans and said, 'I have Commandments.' The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shalt not steal.' 'Not steal? We're not interested.'

God then went to the French and said, 'I have Commandments.' The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.' 'Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'

Finally, God went to the Jews and said, 'I have Commandments.' 'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?' 'They're free.' 'We'll take 10.'

There, that ought to offend just about everybody.

Motivational Poster

2008-02-10T20:46:00.000-08:00

Found in Fishing Village at Eden NSW

2008-02-10T17:44:00.000-08:00

Carnation Your Coffee ... Too Easy !!

2008-02-09T15:41:00.000-08:00

A little old lady from Newfoundland had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation.
When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in approximately the early 1940's, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan. The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with "Carnation Milk is best of all...."
She thought to herself, I know all about milk and dairy farms .... I can do this!
She sent in her entry and about a week later, a large black limousine drove up in front of her house! .... a man got out and after knocking on her door informed her that, "Carnation loved your entry so much, we are here to award you $1,000, even though we will not be able to use it."
Here is her entry .... .... ....

Medical Marvels

2008-02-07T17:38:00.000-08:00

A man comes into the accident & emergency and yells, 'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!' I grabbed my bag and rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs --- and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,' I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,' replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg LA
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
Which one?' I asked.
'The patch, the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!' I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!!
(Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one....)
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she answered, 'Why, not for about twenty years when my husband was alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-Corvallis, OR
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by RN no name
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AND FINALLY!!!................
As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'
She replied, 'No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, 'I wish I was in Dixie ' ........ "my name's Dixie!".
Dr. wouldn't submit his name

~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~

Do you know where you would be?

2008-02-07T17:25:00.000-08:00

IF – You had all the money your heart desires?
IF – You had no worries at all?
IF – You came home to the finest meal waiting for you?
IF – Your bathwater had been run?
IF – You had the perfect children?
IF – Your partner was waiting for you with open Arms & Kisses?

HELLOOooo!!!!!!!!!

My guess ..............
YOU'D BE IN THE WRONG F*CKING HOUSE

A Death in the Family

2008-02-07T17:13:00.001-08:00

A very elderly man by the name of Mr Barry Goldstein was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong. "Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."
Knowing that her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences.
The following day, Mr Goldstein was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pyjamas when he met Nurse Tracy.
"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Parts back inside your pyjamas.
"But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my Private Part died."
"Well, yes you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pyjamas?"
"Mr Goldstein was puzzled however replied, "Because today's the viewing."

Not Appreciated at work..... your not alone !!

2008-02-06T16:47:00.002-08:00

Just goes to show you, no matter how hard you work you will

not be paid any extra & it is now a matter of fact
that no one will possibly even notice....!!

Having Mum over for Dinner !!

2008-02-05T20:24:00.000-08:00

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer was.
Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Jennifer and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mum:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian
Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mum

LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER.

Habib's New Exhaust System

2008-02-05T20:12:00.000-08:00

A Real Cracker

2008-02-05T01:03:00.000-08:00

Two gay men decide to have a baby.
They mix their sperm together and have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it.
When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the gay fathers, she points out the happy child as theirs. "Isn't it wonderful?" one gay says to the other. "All these unhappy babies .... and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves the superiority of gay love!"
The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the thermometer out of his arse!"

The Imposter

2008-02-04T22:40:00.000-08:00

Budget Motels

2008-02-04T22:31:00.000-08:00

A man walked into what he was told was a budget motel.

After making it known how much he could afford he was being shown to the room by the owner when he asked her what the room was like. "Oh it's a beautiful room" she said and then added "Do you have a good memory for faces" to which he replied "Well, yes I do ... why do you ask?"

The owner replied "Because there's no mirror in the bathrooom."

Will the ID Card come in under ALP??

2008-02-04T22:28:00.000-08:00

It's important to be organized !!!

2008-02-04T22:24:00.000-08:00

Can anyone help me out and suggest which Council this acutally could be???

There is a SALE for every reason !!!

2008-02-04T03:04:00.001-08:00

No Pole Dancing on Trains... What next ?

2008-02-04T03:01:00.000-08:00

A raw deal for all, especially SMOKERS !!

2008-02-04T02:56:00.000-08:00

Finding a Sensative Man

2008-02-04T02:50:00.000-08:00

A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears although she is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?' She turns to him and kisses himlightly on the lips He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well,how was that for you?' The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says: "Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf darling"

Don't forget Valentines Day

2008-02-04T02:47:00.000-08:00

There really is LIGHT at the end of the tunnel....

2008-01-29T00:19:00.000-08:00

No matter what situation's life throws at you,
No matter how long and treacherous your journey may seem,
Remember, there's always light at the end of the tunnel...

A Kids Take on Politics

2008-01-29T00:13:00.000-08:00

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I
understand the concept of politics now.'
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.

The most Purrfect Pair.....

2008-01-29T00:07:00.000-08:00

A Scotsman walking down the street sees a woman with perfect pair of breasts that he had ever seen in his entire life. He stopped abruptly and said to her, “Hey Miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?” “Are you nuts?!!!” she replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. “'Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?” he asked again. “Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?”
So the Scotsman runs around the next block and faces her again; “Okay, last chance. Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?”
She thinks about it for a while and says, “Hmmm, $10,000 dollars; Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there.”
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse and bra to reveal what he believes are the most perfect pair of breasts in the world. As soon as they are released from their holster he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them. But not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"
"Nah", says the Scotsman... "Costs too much....."

The Celebration

2008-01-28T04:22:00.000-08:00

A man was in a bar savoring a martini when an attractive woman sat down beside him. The bartender served her a glass of juice and the man turned to her and said, "Today is a very special day and I'm celebrating."
"I happen to be celebrating today too," she replied, as they clinked glasses.
"What are you celebrating?" he asked.
"I've been trying to have a child for years," she said, "and today my gynecologist told me that I am finally pregnant!"
"Congratulations," the man said. "It so happens that I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile. But today they are finally fertile."
"That's wonderful news," said the woman. "How did it happen?"
"I switched cocks," he said.
"What a coincidence!" she replied, grinning.

Whatcha Doin' Dad?

2008-01-28T04:08:00.000-08:00

One day, Little Johnny walked into his parents bedroom, only to catch mum just getting out of the shower and his father sitting on the edge of their bed slipping a condom on.
"Whatcha doin', dad?" asked Little Johnny.
In a desperate attempt to hide his condom-covered erection, his father quickly bent over as if to look under the bed.
"Ummmmmm ..... I thought I saw a mouse run underneath the bed," his father quickly replied.
Little Johnny looked at this father grinning slyly, "Really dad? Whatcha gonna do, f*ck it?"

Motherly Advice

2008-01-28T04:03:00.001-08:00

On the night before her wedding, the bride-to-be asked her mother for some advice.
"Mom, I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy," she said.
Taking a deep breath, the mother began to explain, "Well, dear, when two people love, honor and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing ... "
"Mother, I know how to screw," the bride-to-be interrupted. "What I want to know is, how do I make your lasagna?!?"

The Record Shop

2008-01-28T04:01:00.000-08:00

A man enters a music store to purchase an old-school vinyl record. As he gets ready to check out, he realizes that he doesn't have his wallet. Instead of running back home to get it, he decides to steal the record by sticking it down his pants.

The cashier spots him on the way out and shouts, "Hey! Is that a record in your pants?"

The man replies, "Well, I don't know if it's a record, but I sure haven't heard any complaints."

Idle Thoughts of a Wandering Mind

2008-01-25T21:35:00.000-08:00

~~~ I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
~~~ I had amnesia once -- or twice.
~~~ I went to San Francisco . I found someone's heart. Now what?
~~~ Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

~~~ All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
~~~ If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.

~~~ What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
~~~ They told me I was gullible and I believed them.
~~~ Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
~~~ Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
~~~ One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

~~~ My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
~~~ I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
~~~ The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

~~~ How can there be self-help "groups"?
~~~ If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
~~~ Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

~~~ Is it me -- or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
________________________________________

"Blessed is the man who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed."
Alexander Pope

========================================

Australia Day ..... Why it's the 26th of January.

2008-01-24T21:15:00.000-08:00

We will never forget our heritage .......

On May 13, 1787, British Captain Arthur Phillip set sail from Portsmouth, England, to establish a convict colony in Australia.

He sailed with 11 ships, 759 convicts -- 191 of whom were female -- 13 children of convicts, 211 marines, 46 wives and children of marines, and his staff of nine.

Phillip landed at Botany Bay on the eastern coast of Australia on January 18, 1788, travelled some kilometres north to find a more suitable place for settlement and came ashore at Sydney Cove on January 26 in what is now the historic Rocks area at the southern end of today's Sydney Harbour Bridge.

The Bus Stop

2008-01-24T20:46:00.000-08:00

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'

The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd both be riding the bus, so shut the f**k up.

********************************

Big Fat Bastards Blog

Spread The Stupidity

~~~ RETIREMENT ~~~ An Inspirational Message

Howdy Partner -- No Charge For Love

~~~~ Children Have Little Expectations ~~~~

Walking Eagle --- It's an Indian Story

Could be the Jokes of 2010 -- so far !!

Goodbye Mum

The Irish Bus Thieves

The Two Dwarfs

Little Johnny Is Back Selling Toothbrushes !!

Innocence Is Priceless

The Mars Bar

~~ Little Johnny & His Breakfast ~~

WHERE DID THE WHITE MAN GO WRONG

Some Cartoonies

LAS VEGAS

Football - It's Such A Comfort

Love The Irish !!!

HOW FIGHTS REALLY GET STARTED !!!

A Good Operator

Responsibilities

A Retiring Couple

Oooooooops...

Teachers Pet

RETIREMENT - An Inspiring Message

A True Scottish Soldier

Ah, the Golden Age

The Old Motors Running

The Cork

Witty Irish Priest

The Bathtub Test

FAMILY TIES

The Lie Detector Robot

When Insults Had Class....

Granny's Hooker Special

Granny Olympics

Little Johnny Strikes Again....

Immitation may be the highest form of flattery.....

Indian School Bus

Do You Know Who I Am ???? I'm Belina F***ing Neal

Now that's what I call a HAT !!!

Seize the moment

Who you calling coloured ???

Now Riddle Me This......!!

ELDERLY SEX

The Older I Get .....

A classic animal story

........Before Marriage & After Marriage........

Divorce. Sometimes there are winners !!!

...... Is this an IRISH Joke ???.....

It's a Dogs Life....

We all know someone who fits the bill here !!!

......... Funny Cartoonies ..........

What does a 320 pound woman look like?

Memories of the good times in 1957

First U.S.Campaign Button of 2008

It was to be Clem's last job as a Carpenter

And you thought you'd seen EVERYTHING

I always used to like Cowboys & Indians

Moses had his instructions....

.......Even Noah had his problems !!.......

Could be the perfect disguise .... if he could see!!

Sperm Count

Things that have always puzzled me...!!

Gotta Love Your Scotch

Happy Valentines Day

The Duck Hunter - vs - The Farmer

Tickled my sense of humour!!!!

Is it really SEXIST to appreciate ???

I don't even know the bloke with the fork !!!

How Moses Got the 10 Commandments....

Motivational Poster

Found in Fishing Village at Eden NSW

Carnation Your Coffee ... Too Easy !!

Medical Marvels

Do you know where you would be?

A Death in the Family

Not Appreciated at work..... your not alone !!

Having Mum over for Dinner !!

~ RETIREMENT ~ An Inspirational Message

Children Have Little Expectations

Little Johnny & His Breakfast